Fried stake and chicken witters

Only a couple of weeks late, we moved in, with a working loo, basin, bath with shower, and sink - albeit only air mattresses and cold water. First purchases were a mini fridge and a camping stove, with which we cooked a three-course dinner for six, reasonably successfully. The big fridge and gas stove arrived but had to take up temporary residence in the dining room as the kitchen was still a long way from readiness. Next door's chickens were making their presence felt, with the cockerel Fred

and a wily hen, Smoke Alarm (she made a piercing noise like a smoke alarm battery going flat) leading the raids on my kitchen. Soon Mini Ha-Ha (two feathers for a tail), Ruby 1 & 2 (identical twins), Burnt Pan, Scorchmark, Parkin (ginger), Peachy (the peachiest arse ever seen on any hen) Pom-Pom (mad hair) and Sam Tyler (pretty boy bantam) were breakfast regulars and developed a taste for watermelon, overripe tomatoes and left-over biscuit dough.